Fixed in Flux
by tromana
Summary: Whatever he tried, he couldn’t move. He cried and shouted and screamed and yelled and still, nobody was listening to him. Jane/Lisbon Jello-Forever October Challenge entry. Prompt: Frozen in time.
1. Past

**A/N: **Was trying to write an update for _Unbound_ and this idea just kept niggling. It's another entry for the Jello Forever (link's in my profile!) October '09 Challenge. I absolutely love this month's prompt and literally have too many ideas. Anyone in need of plot bunnies, I'd be quite happy to throw some of them at you!

Anyway, this first part is dedicated to twin because she's completely awesome and has been doing a marvellous job of cheering me up after having a couple of bad days. Thank you! *hugs*

Now I'm going to stop rambling.

x tromana

* * *

**Title:** Fixed in Flux  
**Author:** tromana  
**Rating:** T  
**Characters:** Jane/Lisbon, team  
**Disclaimer:** No, not mine.  
**Summary:** Whatever he tried, he couldn't move. He cried and shouted and screamed and yelled and still, nobody was listening to him.  
**Notes: **Jello Forever October '09 challenge entry. Prompt: Frozen in time.

**Fixed in Flux**

_**Flux: **_a continuous moving on or passing by.

**Chapter One - Past**

The door creaked open and the newest visitor coughed politely. Lisbon quickly withdrew her hand from his arm and looked slightly guilty about the fact that she had been caught touching him. She still managed to glance up appreciatively at the owner of said cough, relieved to have some conscious company and tried desperately to disguise the unshed tears that were gathering rapidly in her eyes. Eventually, she gave into the inevitable and lifted one of her own hands to wipe them away. She didn't _have_ to be strong here and they all kept trying to remind her of that. That however, didn't change the facts. Whenever she was with another member of her team, Teresa Lisbon still felt like she was still the boss. It didn't matter just how close they had grown in recent years or that they were her second family, she still held the higher rank. Therefore, she had to remain as professional as feasibly possible. That meant no breaking down into flurries of tears because being over-emotional was not the image that she should be portraying in front of those who she lead.

"It's gonna be alright, boss," Van Pelt murmured.

"Maybe," she replied wryly, "I hope so."

She hadn't noticed it, but she was shaking slightly. Van Pelt sat down beside her and placed a polystyrene cup filled with coffee into her trembling hands. Lisbon took a sip, grimacing at the industrial-strength muck that she had been given. She couldn't blame Van Pelt for that; it was probably the only coffee that was available here and it was better than nothing, but only just. The rookie kept glancing over nervously and Lisbon was slowly beginning to find it irksome. She knew that the younger woman was simply concerned about her wellbeing and hated seeing her in such a state. Even though she was trying to maintain her professional image, Lisbon knew that she was doing a shoddy job at doing so. She couldn't help but snort at the irony. Jane always relished in reminding her just how translucent she was and she would always grow terribly irritated at it. Right now, she would give anything to hear him say that. To say anything, in fact.

Instead, she simply trained her eyes on the rise and fall of his chest.

***

"Dance, Daddy, dance!"

His little girl grabbed him roughly by the hand but he didn't follow. He couldn't and quite frankly, it was breaking his heart. Growing bored, she left him standing there, motionless, as she shrieked and whooped and played around him. Patrick Jane smiled inwardly at his beautiful baby's short attention span as she ran from one toy to the next, lavishing attention on it for five minutes or so before growing bored and moving onto the next. Even her favourite teddy bear, One-Eyed Joe, wasn't worthy of more than ten minutes of her time. Footsteps approached from behind and he tried to turn to see who they belonged to. He was relieved as he heard the honeyed tones of his beautiful wife.

"She's as impatient as you are," she remarked, placing a hand gently on his arm.

Patrick tried to open his mouth to retort cheekily but instead shuddered as her cool fingertips grazed his skin. His wife occasionally suffered from poor circulation and he always teased her for being so cold considering that they lived in California. What warmth she lacked physically, she made up for with a bubbly, loving personality and she doted upon both her husband and daughter. Once she removed her hand and walked to join their child, Patrick suddenly felt colder inside. He felt as though a cold breeze had enveloped him and it chilled him to the bone. It was unusual as it was a particularly warm day and the scene in front of him was particularly endearing. His little girl suddenly pulled her gaze away from her mother and gave him a toothy grin.

The changes caught him by surprise as he was suddenly engulfed by darkness. If he wasn't already frozen to the spot, the maniacal laugh that suddenly echoed around him would have been enough to stop him in his tracks. As the light slowly returned, he was greeted with the sight of a blood red smiley face and the butchered bodies of his loved ones. He couldn't even pull his gaze away from the horrific sight. Whatever he tried, he couldn't move. He cried and shouted and screamed and yelled and still, nobody was listening to him. There wasn't even anybody to hear him.

For what felt like an eternity, nothing happened and Patrick found that he couldn't even blink. Slowly, the head of his daughter twisted around to look at him, her face contorted with rage. Her unseeing eyes made contact with his own and he swore he could feel the bile rising up in his throat. Her mouth opened slightly and she took a while to try and find the right words.

"You killed me, Daddy," she spoke, her words sounding like nails down a chalkboard. "You killed me. It's all your fault."

***

"We should leave, boss," Van Pelt whispered. "We can come back next week."

Lisbon nodded, sighed heavily and eventually stood up. Her back ached from sitting on the hard, plastic chair for far too long and she stretched languidly, hoping to relax her tensed muscles. She didn't want to leave him really, not yet, partially because she knew she wouldn't be able to be by his side again for another seven days and she didn't like that concept. Unless there was a drastic change in his condition, of course and then she was sure Minelli would allow them all leave on sympathetic grounds. But realistically, criminals didn't stop just because cops didn't have the heart or energy to work. She still had a job to do and she was going to do it to the best of her ability, as she always did. Not for his sake, but to ensure that she stayed sane herself.

"Thanks for the company, Van Pelt," she answered as they walked through twisting, dimly lit corridors. "You needn't have."

"We all care about him, boss and we all want to be there for him," she replied swiftly. "For both of you. You know, he wouldn't want you blaming yourself like this."

"How do we know what he wants?" Lisbon snapped in response.

The red-head recoiled slightly. Seeing Lisbon being so tender and careful merely minutes earlier had meant she had temporarily forgotten just how sharp the older woman's tongue could be. But Lisbon did have a point though. The whole team had seriously believed that since he had started working with them, that his death wish had lessened somewhat, that he had found something to live for. Some had also secretly believed that that something was rather a _someone_, though she was completely oblivious to those particular thoughts. Despite that, it was still no wonder that Lisbon had reacted worst to their current situation. Jane was one of her own and she was well known for being fiercely protective of her whole team. It was also blindingly obvious that she was the closest friend that Jane had had for years.

Seeing Jane fighting for his life after coming so close to throwing it away was positively tearing her apart.

**TBC…**

_"He cried and shouted and screamed and yelled and still, nobody was listening to him. There wasn't even anybody to hear him." is a misquote from the song 'Nobody Listened' by Delta Goodrem._


	2. Present

**A/N:** Right, so I'm experimenting with tenses a bit - in Jane's point of view, at least. So I'm really sorry if it doesn't work. This is the halfway point if I stick to my plans, which I've already changed once today. Yeah, I'm a hopeless case.

Thanks to everyone who has already added this to story alert and their favourites list. Special thanks go to: Penelope Louise, Divinia Serit, WildDaisies10, theresa366, Fallen Angels of Love, Ebony10 and Madaboutthementalist for reviewing Chapter One.

This chapter is dedicated to Penelope Louise. It's not fluff, not even close really, but I will write some eventually.

x tromana

**

* * *

Chapter Two - Present**

This is new, he muses and the relief is paramount as his daughter's emotionless face finally disappears along with her accusations. Being forced to stare at his butchered family had been horrifying to say the least. The CBI headquarters comes into view and Lisbon is walking towards him with a haughty expression written across her features. Somebody has obviously riled her, though who, he isn't quite sure yet. Although, it could have something to do with the file that she is gripping tightly, to the extent that her knuckles are whitening. Maybe it is another complaint about his behaviour out in the field? He's not quite sure when it is, but the presence of Van Pelt indicates that Lisbon should surely be used to his antics by now. Whatever the reason for her anger, he comes to the conclusion that it is a good thing. He's already decided that he'll never tell her just how much he loves it when she pulls 'Little Miss Fierce' out. The fire in her eyes and venom in her voice just transform her from being a rather attractive woman into someone who makes him go a little weak at the knees. She storms directly up to Jane and pokes him roughly on the chest.

"What the hell did you think you were doing, Jane?" she seethes and turns on her heels before she receives an answer. "You know what, I don't care. What's the point? You never listen anyway."

He isn't surprised that he cannot respond but somehow, he manages to quickly glances over her shoulder to see the rest of the team staring at him. Rigsby nods gravely in agreement with Lisbon, Van Pelt looks quite upset for some reason and Cho is as unreadable as ever. It's nice to see the team together, as he likes working with them even if they do doubt it on occasion. As their boss has left, the rest of them quickly scatter, leaving him standing in the hallway alone. If he could have, Jane would have sighed. He doesn't like being on his own. That's when the dreams and nightmares come back to haunt him. They remind him of what he has lost and what he could have right now. At least he can still hear the cheerful chatter in the bullpen. If he focuses on that, then maybe he doesn't have to think and maybe he will stay here. He dreads the idea of where he might land up next, otherwise.

***

"Damn it, if only you'd listened, Jane," she murmured, "then maybe, we wouldn't be in this mess."

She rubbed her temples, having only just noticed the tension headache that was developing. The marvels of medicine could bring people back from the brink of death and save people from all manner of diseases and health complications. But to stop a rampaging headache, hell-bent on making her life a misery? Of course, they had no such luck. Then again, she knew that if it was a choice between a miracle headache cure or getting Jane back on his feet again, she knew which one she would choose every time. It wasn't really a choice at all, really.

"Hi, boss," Rigsby spoke, "I thought I'd find you here."

"Am I becoming that predictable?" she replied weakly.

"Yeah, sorry," he answered, "Cho told me that we've gotta go. There's been a murder in some postage stamp of a town and they want us."

"Great," she mumbled angrily. She'd only been able to spend five minutes with Jane. "Just what I wanted."

The chair legs made a loud screech as she pushed herself to her feet and consequently, the piece of furniture backwards. Rigsby cringed at the noise and tried to look at anywhere but Lisbon and Jane as she bid him farewell, not that their consultant was particularly aware of his surroundings or company. Along with the others, Rigsby had been told about how talking to people in comas could be beneficial, but he thought it was a load of rubbish. But it seemed to bring about comfort to the boss and Van Pelt and that, from his point of view, was a good thing. They both seemed particularly concerned for their colleague and friend, after all. Eventually, Lisbon turned to face him, looking at him expectantly. Seeing the rabbit caught in the headlights expression he was wearing, she immediately softened her gaze and bit her lip slightly. For some reason, she liked the fact that she could intimidate people a foot taller than she was with ease.

"Boss?" Rigsby asked tentatively, "are you okay?"

"Just peachy," she muttered. "Come on, let's go. You can tell me more about the case as we walk."

***

He watches on as Lisbon draws her weapon and creeps towards the garden shed tentatively, with Cho at her heels. Jane has already decided that he's going to be in a foul mood with her when she gets back, partially because she didn't listen to him when he said that this line of inquiry would prove to be a dead end. He just knows that she hasn't, for some reason even if he can't quite remember his theories for this specific case. For now, he simply glowers at her while reclining against the SUV, not that he actually has much choice either way. Even if he was capable of movement, she wouldn't need to tell him to keep back; he knows that when weapons are involved that it's best to leave it to the professionals. Even if he does have an almost overwhelming urge to wrap one of said professionals up in cotton wool and never let her go. And Jane honestly doesn't know how he feels about that. Is it cheating on his wife or tainting her memory? Is it heading towards the realms of replacing her? He shakes his head and refocuses on the two agents in front of him. Lisbon would probably hate the idea of someone else being so overprotective of her, anyway.

"CBI," she calls out, sounding as authoritative as ever. "Open the door and come out with your hands on your head."

Everything happens at once and in the blink of an eye, her knees buckle and she is on the floor. Cho runs after the perp who has just hit Lisbon over the head and escaped in the furore as Jane tries to leave his spot beside the SUV and rush to her side. Again, Jane is glued to the ground and only able to watch in horror as she stumbles back to her feet with eyes swimming and a nasty bruise developing on her temple. He blinks, wondering why he is being forced to endure visions of people he cares about being tortured in front of his very eyes. Worse still, is not being able to help them.

"Jane, please help…" she calls before collapsing again.

It is so unlike Lisbon to beg for help and it is hurting him more than he cares to admit. As Jane is enveloped in blackness once again, he decides that time is playing some very funny tricks on him. It's like everyone else is moving, changing and developing while he, he is frozen in time. He is fixed to the spot while everyone else is able to, no, has the privilege of being able to live their lives like normal.

**TBC…**


	3. Future

**A/N:** Sorry for not getting this up last night. I was almost literally falling asleep at the computer desk at 9pm. I'll try and get the final chapter up tonight or tomorrow morning, especially as it's already partially written. Hooray.

This is for Madaboutthementalist (just because) and twin (because I promised you this would be up sooner and I feel guilty still!)

Thanks go to: theresa366, Divinia Serit, Frogster, Penelope Louise, WildDaisies10, Ebony10, Madaboutthementalist, Habeous Corpus and PhoenixWytch for reviewing. You guys totally rock.

One more thing: I **hate** future tense.

x tromana

* * *

**Chapter Three - Future**

"Hopefully, I'll visit you again in a week, Jane."

She hated saying those words, mainly because another week meant another seven days with no change in his condition. Lisbon quickly brushed the tear away from her eye. It was ridiculous just how easily tears sprung at the moment and she hated feeling so out of control of her emotions. She pushed the door open and Cho greeted her with the faintest hint of a smile. Jane had been unconscious for too long for Lisbon to feel entirely comfortable, but then again, any period of time was too long in her opinion. She knew, medically speaking, they had had to induce the coma. His body needed time to recover, though she dreaded the state his mind would be in if, no, when he woke up. That would be a hurdle that they would have to overcome in the future she decided, with a heavy sigh.

"Still the same?"

"Yeah."

"Somebody call the media, Jane's being a well-behaved patient."

If she wasn't quite so used to Cho's sense of humour, she would have been furious with him. Instead, she simply had to swallow down the choking feeling and smile weakly in response. They fell into a restive silence, both taking comfort from the fact that they knew how each other worked and simply being in one another's company.

"You worry too much, boss. He'll be fine," Cho continued softly. "Do you want me to take you home?"

"No, I'd rather go back to work," she replied, not needing to thank him. "I have a pile of paperwork waiting for me."

Cho shrugged as he unlocked the car door. He knew that she would reject his offer of taking her home, but he had to try. The poor woman looked practically dead on her feet and if Lisbon didn't slow down soon, she'd fall down.

***

The first thing Jane will appreciate is the ability to move again, even if he still cannot speak.

It will come as a surprise to both of them when they eventually give into lust and fall into her bed together. Neither of them will be quite what the other expects, but that won't matter as it will be so much better than what they could ever have hoped for. Lisbon will manage to forget her control issues for a while and Jane will leave his arrogance at the door. The gentle caress of loving hands and catching her lips for urgent kisses will make the wait he has had to endure worth his while, even if he will not realise that he has been waiting for this at all. Once sated, Lisbon will curl up in his arms and enjoy the sensation of lazy fingers running up and down her side. They will both wonder what it is they have actually done and whether or not they can survive taking their relationship in this direction. When she asks just that, Jane will refuse to answer but will press a firm kiss to her temple instead and squeeze her fingers reassuringly. He won't feel comfortable questioning the future when he barely understands the present, after all.

"I'll be back as in a minute."

Her voice will be little more than a whisper as she grabs his shirt from the undignified heap of clothing on the floor. There will be something undeniably sexy and undeniably _her_ about the way she pulls the item of clothing over her head in the morning leading to her wearing just that and her underwear. With a sly grin, she will saunter away from him and his eyes will train on the swish of her hips as she leaves the room. Leaving for work an hour later in separate cars will feel slightly odd to Jane, considering he will have just spent the night in her bed, but questioning her fiercely private streak would be a task best left to braver men than him. Instead, he will choose to indulge in more lingering touches and lustful looks than ever before once they're both at work.

When he intercepts a Red John file, telling him the exact location of his nemesis, he will wish he was able to tell her. Despite, or maybe because, of the new-found depth of their relationship he will keep it from her and head out alone. While he travels to his destination, Jane will still be fairly certain of his desire for revenge. He'll know that at the very least that he won't want Lisbon getting caught in the crossfire. This will be what he and Red John will have been working towards for so long and though it's her job to deal with criminals, he can't have her dealing with this specific one. Besides, what if vengeance is not what he wants anymore? Because of her? He won't want her in the way to cloud his judgement. Jane will know this is a decision he needs to make on his own.

As the serial killer falls to the ground in a bloodied heap, Jane will realise just what a grave mistake he has made. It will be partially due to the fact that Lisbon will come skidding around the corner, bringing herself to a sudden halt as Jane pulls the knife out of Red John's body. When she feels sad, rejected or simply humiliated, her automatic reaction, like always will simply be rage. It is, after all, Lisbon's protective defence. If she is angry, no one will be able to see how much it hurts her and she won't appear weak. Her eyes will flare as she clicks the handcuffs around Jane's wrists roughly. At her indication, Rigsby will approach tentatively to drag him off to the SUV, allowing her a brief minute or so of solitude, to recollect her thoughts, to give her to time to prevent the onslaught of tears and potential breakdown. Like always, she will be cool, calm and collected Lisbon. Except at this point, she won't be his anymore. He will have chosen revenge instead.

He will welcome the inky blackness, like usual, but not so much the sensation of being choked. Although, even that will be marginally better than the look on Lisbon's face.

***

"Cho!"

"Yes, boss?"

Cho looked up from his desk inquiringly as Lisbon marched into the bullpen, one arm already in the sleeve of her jacket. She jerked her head towards the elevator wordlessly and began to leave. Taking immediate note of her agitation, he was up on his feet at once and following her before he had even started wondering why they were hurrying out of the CBI headquarters. He felt no need to question her as they both climbed into the SUV and she started the engine wordlessly. It wasn't until they had actually hit the roads that he turned to face her and ask where they were going and why.

"Jane's waking up," she answered, before breaking out into a bright smile. "They think he's going to be okay."

"That's great news," he replied almost instantaneously. "Does Minelli know?"

"I told him we'd be leaving."

"Good."

When they reach the hospital, Cho insisted that he would park the car and catch up with her later. With a grateful smile, Lisbon slid out of the driver's seat and ran all the way to Jane's room, not even stopping when angered hospital staff shouted at her to slow down. Her heart was metaphorically in her throat as she stopped at the door and nervously pushed it open. A nurse she vaguely recalled from previous visits beckoned her in and she rushed to Jane's side and immediately took hold of his hand.

"When will…" she started.

"Not much longer, love," the nurse replied. "Talk to him."

**TBC...**


	4. Here

**A/N: **This was meant to be the last chapter but the plot bunny decided differently. There'll probably be one, maybe two more chapters to this now. I think. But I've said that before so I don't blame you if you don't believe me.

Oh -- and wasn't 2x03 rather awesome? I'm completely in love with the episode and keep rewatching scenes. Might write something based on that soon and carry on with Unbound too.

Thanks to: Habeous Corpus, Divinia Serit, Laura, Fallen Angels of Love, Doyle0915, Frogster, Ebony10, earthlydreamz and Penelope Louise for reviewing. I keep saying it, but it means so much to me.

This chapter is for earthlydreamz - thank you for making me smile lots recently and it's great to see you writing again.

Okay, enough wittering. Author's notes are boring.

x tromana

* * *

**Chapter Four - Here**

Lisbon eyed the nurse warily and nodded slightly in response. Quietly, she spoke to Jane, not talking about much in particular and hoping desperately to notice any kind of response. Cho entered the room five minutes later and she promptly sent him away again, scared that she was going to end up snapping at him due to her complete lack of patience. When the hospital staff had called her, she thought that meant that he would be virtually awake when they had arrived and he wasn't. It was a good two hours after her arrival when she beamed in delight as he squeezed her hand gently. As Jane's eyes fluttered open and focussed on her, she let out a shaky breath of relief.

"Hello, Mr. Jane," the nurse smiled warmly, "a doctor will be with you soon."

Jane ignored the glass of water that was tentatively offered to him, knocking it roughly out of the kindly woman's hand and onto the floor with a smash. With a wild expression in his eyes, he tried to sit up to try and get a better view of Lisbon, who was looking thoroughly relieved to see him finally out of his induced coma. Lisbon was quick though and managed to place a firm hand on his shoulder to prevent him from doing so and causing himself more damage.

"Red John," he rasped, not caring about their company. "Don't… want… hurt you."

"Jane," she interrupted firmly, "calm down. You don't have to talk, not yet."

He shook his head and grabbed hold of one of her hands, allowing his fingers to run over her cool fingers. He hadn't noticed it before, but it seemed like she suffered from vasoconstriction in her peripheral arteries, too. Just like his wife.

"Love you, Teresa," he continued and she frowned. "Don't want… Red John to get…"

"Jane… Patrick," she stopped. His given name felt foreign on her tongue. "Red John's dead."

***

_Flashback:_

"_Rigsby, Van Pelt, I need you two to cover the exits," Lisbon barked. "Cho, you're with me."_

_All three nodded curtly in response and the younger two agents immediately took to the stations that she had assigned them. There was no way they were going to let this bastard escape again. Jane had disappeared that morning and Lisbon had a shrinking feeling that she knew exactly where he was. It was ridiculous and completely foolhardy of him thinking he could take on Red John on his own. Whatever he liked to think, they all knew that Jane needed them. Lisbon just hoped that he hadn't already managed to needlessly throw away his life._

"_Boss?"_

"_Yes, Cho?" she murmured._

"_Calm down. You're shaking."_

_Lisbon decided to pointedly ignore him._

"_Can you hear noises from upstairs?" _

_Cho nodded. "The attic?"_

"_Stay down here, there's no point risking both our lives."_

"_But-"_

"_Cho!"_

"_Yes, boss."_

_Cho couldn't help but be slightly angry at Jane as Lisbon walked away from him. If the consultant was still alive and she got hurt, then he would have hell to pay. She was always risking life and limb for him and received no appreciation for it whatsoever. Lisbon winced as her foot hit a squeaky floorboard. So much for having the element of surprise. She continued up the staircase and opened the hatch to the attic, knowing full well that she was going to be greeted by a serial killer. Her hand flew to her mouth when she saw Jane, beaten black and blue, bleeding and unconscious. Swiftly, she pulled herself into the roof space and used her flashlight to scour the rest of the scene and her eyes narrowed when she caught sight of Red John._

"_Ah, Miss Lisbon," he spoke. "I was wondering when you would join us."_

_Red John already had a gun trained on her and she cursed. He tutted in response._

"_Such a filthy mouth for such a pretty lady. I can see why Mr. Jane liked you so."_

_The same floorboard that she had stood on barely minutes earlier squeaked for a second time and distracted Red John from his immediate plans. Her hand flew to her hip and she pulled out her weapon, grateful for the last minute reprieve._

_Cho froze as he heard two shots fire from above him._

***

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "but damn it, he was going to kill both of us and probably the rest of the team given half a chance, too. If I didn't shoot..."

"He's dead?"

"Yes, Jane."

"Good."

Lisbon nodded and rose to her feet.

"I'll let you get some rest."

"Don't leave me."

"What? Now? But…"

"Ever," he clarified.

"I, I'll think about it," she stuttered. "Get some sleep."

***

"He's been asking after you again, boss," Van Pelt quickly said after entering Lisbon's office uninvited. "He misses you."

"Oh."

Lisbon barely glanced up from the form she was studiously filling in to reply to the younger woman. She knew exactly what she was going to be told yet again. Cho had had this conversation with her a fortnight ago and Rigsby had mentioned it a couple of days ago too. It didn't surprise Lisbon that Van Pelt was the last one to mention it however. She was well aware that the younger woman still hadn't quite found the courage to stand up to her as often as the men yet.

"We're getting fed up of lying to him on your behalf," the red-head added nervously. "He knows you're not as busy as we say you are."

"Van Pelt, I…"

"What _has_ happened between you two anyway? Why won't you visit him?"

"That's none of your business," she answered snappishly.

"Fine. But just go and see him, please? For all our sakes."

***

"Hello sweetie."

Lisbon growled slightly at Jane's nurse. For a start, she never saw herself as being anyone's 'sweetie' and she was still in the process of deciding whether or not to actually enter Jane's hospital room. She glanced at her watch quickly and was surprised to see that she had been pacing in front of the door for a good half an hour. Why had she backed down to Grace in the first place? She knew that the nerves she was currently suffering from were a little irrational, it was only Jane after all. But what he'd said to her just after he'd regained consciousness had unnerved her more than she cared to admit.

"I was worried," the nurse continued. "You hadn't visited your husband in a while."

"My husband?" Lisbon squeaked in response, before regaining composure. "We're not married."

"Oh but I thought…"

"I'm his boss. Or at least I was…"

Partially to avoid talking to the overly cheerful woman any longer and partially to get the charade over and done with, Lisbon pushed the door roughly open. Jane was seated in his bed, looking glumly into the middle-distance. It took him a good half a minute to acknowledge that she had entered the room at all and when he did, he allowed the smallest twitch of a smile to flash across his features for a fraction of a second. Wordlessly, she sat in the plastic chair beside him, resisting the urge to take hold of his hand as she had done on all of her previous visits. Several times she opened her mouth to start talking but promptly closed it again, feeling distinctly like she might start resembling a goldfish. Eventually, it was Jane who broke the silence.

"You should have let me die."

**TBC…**


	5. Now

**A/N: **Final chapter! Yes, I mean it. Honest. Please believe me? The chapter's fairly brief and also a little bittersweet in my opinion. I didn't want them hopping into each other's beds or anything - it just felt wrong for the story.

Thanks go to: Penelope Louise, earthlydreamz, WildDaisies10, Divinia Serit, Doyle0915, Ebony10, shewhorunswithvampires, Habeous Corpus, Jadestar1981, Fallen Angels of Love, Frogster, Madaboutthementalist and HOUSEM. for reviewing the previous chapter.

This one's dedicated to Jadestar1981 for going back and reviewing all the previous chapters.

Hope you all enjoy it.

x tromana

* * *

**Chapter Five - Now**

The sun was beating down and Jane had already stripped down to just his shirt. His hands gripped onto the steering wheel like his life depended on it and he winced as he took a deep breath. Opening the door, he looked up into the clear sky and closed it behind him with a sigh. Seemingly aimlessly, he wound between the slabs of concrete before stopping at his destination. All he had left of his beautiful wife and beautiful daughter were two slabs of rocks and a few memories. Memories that were growing hazier by the day. It was disconcerting, still being alive when Red John was no longer a threat. He didn't know how to feel. Somehow, he'd always assumed that once the serial killer was no longer a threat, he wouldn't be living either.

Lisbon had changed all that. She had saved his life and somehow, he was managing to get up every morning. Well, sort of. Every morning for the past week since he'd been discharged from hospital anyway. It was a blessed relief that no one from the CBI had called, asking him to come in just yet. Van Pelt had dropped by his apartment to 'see if he was okay', but that was it. He was relieved that Lisbon herself hadn't bothered with anything more than a text message and he wasn't surprised, either. Apparently, in a drug-induced haze, he'd not only told her that he loved her but also that he wished he were dead.

"What do I do now?" he whispered, reaching out a hand and letting it run across the carved letters. "You were always so much better at this than me."

He heard a polite cough from behind him, rose to his feet and turned to see Lisbon smiling weakly at him. She was holding a bunch of daisies which she wordlessly handed to him before glancing nervously at the graves. Jane nodded in response before kneeling once more and arranging them neatly. After another five minutes, he stood once again and lead Lisbon away. It felt wrong having anyone from work, especially her, near them.

"How did you know I would be here?" he asked.

Lisbon shrugged. "I thought it was the most obvious place to look for you."

"Oh."

"How are you?"

"You know," he shrugged.

"Just how do I know?" she shouted, before lowering her tone. "The last time I saw you, you said I should have just watched you die, What the hell was I meant to think?"

The few mourners who overheard stared at her, aghast, before moving away and mumbling their disgust. Lisbon simply narrowed her eyes and kept them trained on Jane who seemed to be trying to keep himself as small and insignificant as possible. With a sigh, she grabbed his hand and dragged him off to a nearby bench, which was shaded and out of sight of everybody else. Jane stood, staring at her for a while before she sighed heavily and patted the empty space beside her.

"Sit."

Eventually, he did so. Her cool fingers wrapped around his balled fist and she stared at him until eventually he had to give up and look right back at her. Lisbon's green eyes were rounded and full of the hopeful honesty he had come to expect of her, though what she wanted precisely from him and that given moment was beyond him. She sighed heavily and closed her eyes briefly, as if staving off tears and consequently made Jane swallow deeply. For some reason, seeing her so uncharacteristically nervous had set him on edge too.

"What do you want from me, Lisbon?"

"I don't know," she sighed. "What happened to you in your coma?"

He shrugged and turned away. Honestly, he couldn't remember much. Just snippets of cold fingers (though whose, he wasn't exactly sure), the accusative look of his little girl, waking up in the same bed as the woman currently sat beside him and the sheer terror of Red John being around. He could barely remember the couple of days after he woke up, too. Still, it was funny that out of all his scant memories of the dreams he had endured, the one that terrified him the most was the concept of being in a relationship with Lisbon. With Red John dead, surely that should have meant that he should be feeling some sort of closure?

"I still feel like I've let them down."

"What? How?"

"Because they died in the first place."

"Jane… I thought, well hoped…"

She trailed off into an ominous silence. To anyone else, they may have looked like a happy couple, sitting in silence, comfortable to be simply touching one another's hand. However, they were both frozen to the spot, unable to move, neither knowing quite what to say to comfort the other. Lisbon knew that Jane was never going to truly recover from the loss of his family. He was always going to have those cracks, only visible to those who knew him well enough to see underneath the false bravado he carried. And it wasn't as if Lisbon was without war wounds of her own, either.

It could well end in disaster, but a phoenix always rises from the ashes, so surely he had to take a chance? Surely some hope was better than no hope at all?

"Would you like to go for dinner?" he asked tentatively.

"Yeah, I'd like that."

end


End file.
